By Dr. Robert “Bo” Grice
Does conflict in marriage mean the relationship is in trouble? You’ll be happy to know that the answer is a resounding “No!” If it were otherwise, we’d all be in trouble. Conflict means two imperfect people are trying to grow together and build a fulfilling relationship that can stand the test of time.
Every couple disagrees at some point. What matters most is not whether conflict happens, but how it’s handled. We should therefore conceive of conflict itself as neither good nor bad, but simply as an opportunity. It’s only bad when left unresolved or when partners stray from the topic and resort to personal attacks. Conflict then becomes harmful because the goal devolves into deciding a winner and loser.
Unresolved conflicts accumulate and typically surface, often over unrelated topics. For example, an unresolved conflict over where to spend Christmas might resurface the following summer when disagreements arise over where to eat.
Healthy conflict, on the other hand, seeks to produce a win-win scenario and fosters openness, which is possible when partners trust each other. It encourages mutual accountability and consideration of each other’s positions. It asks challenging questions like, “What am I contributing?” and “What does my spouse need right now?” Sometimes the most powerful words in a marriage aren’t an argument at all, but “I hear you,” or “I’m sorry.”
Healthy conflict does not resort to personal attacks, but seeks to understand and reach a compromise rather than protecting pride and controlling the other. When couples learn to slow down, speak honestly, and listen with grace, conflict becomes a pathway—not a barrier—to deeper intimacy.
Strong marriages aren’t built on “avoiding” conflict. They’re built on resolving it with love, patience, and commitment—again and again.
If you are interested in exploring therapy with Dr. Grice, click HERE to send a message to our office, or call (334) 671-1280.
