“He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will be destroyed….
You may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.” (Proverbs 13:20; Proverbs 22:24-25)
“He was so sweet until he started playing with his new friends. Now, he won’t do anything I ask him to.”
“I used to be so strong until we began dating. I know we go too far when we’re alone, but I’m terrified of losing his approval.”
“I was close with God once. My friends are agnostic, though. Since I started talking to them, it’s hard for me to believe anything for certain.”
“When they’re doing good, she’s constantly texting him. But if they’re fighting, she gets so depressed she won’t talk to anyone. It’s like she’s forgotten who he was.”
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There are parts of every person’s personality and behavior which are strong and fixed and those which are malleable and open to change. Some people may have more malleability, while others seem stronger and more certain of who they are. But all of us have known people who we thought were above the influence of their peers, only to discover the reverse to be true— a compliant, steady child who seems to be picking up the behaviors of their wild friend at school; a friend we were shocked to discover had fallen into a controlling, sexual relationship; a teenager who suddenly stopped caring about church and immersed himself into an unhealthy subculture; or a family member who’s lost her identity in an unhealthy, codependent relationship. No matter how independent and spiritually mature, no one is impervious to the influencing nature of the company they keep.
We are about to embark on the holiday seasons: the time of year when we usually examine our lives, give thanks for the gifts and blessings we have, and resolve ourselves to change the things which are unhealthy. Friendship is one of those gifts often emphasized during the holidays because of the significance placed on spending time with those we are close to and giving gifts to demonstrate our love. With the approach of the New Year, it is, perhaps, also a perfect time to examine the health of our children’s friendships, as well as our own, and determine if we are the companions of the wise or the foolish. Below are a few comparisons between healthy an unhealthy friendships. Of course, any relationship may have healthy and unhealthy aspects, so you should mainly be concerned about a particular friendship if there are more negative than positive characteristics. This is meant, therefore, to be merely a guide.
Independence
Healthy friends encourage independence. Usually both people have a strong sense of who they are, what they like, and what their goals are. As a result, the relationship has very few strings attached—it’s okay to disagree, spend time with other friends, enjoy different things, and have different priorities.
Unhealthy friends are too insecure to allow much freedom. There is usually a high degree of codependence and possessiveness: it’s not okay to hang out with your other friends, to disagree with their views, or spend much time apart. They will either begin liking the same things as you or you will feel an underlying pressure to always speak favorably about the things they enjoy. There is often a hovering fear of betrayal which lingers around unhealthy people, causing them to be grasping and controlling. This tendency can either be subtly manipulative or overtly demanding.