By Nathan Lumbatis, Ed.S, LPC
At three years old, Daniel loved to play with toy trucks. Seeing that the church nursery had an entire basketful, he scrambled out of his mother’s arms to get to them as she was dropping him off with the workers. “I see he found what he wanted,” she laughed, watching him make a bee-line toward the basket. But, as Daniel reached in to pull out a shiny blue truck, another boy knocked him over and took his toy.
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Marcy was the smartest girl in her classroom. But most of her classmates weren’t impressed with her grades. To them, she was the overweight nerd who was the teacher’s pet. She also happened to be the perfect target when her class played dodgeball in P.E. Sure, she had friends, but not the kind that would make her cool enough to avoid ridicule and bullying.
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Katherine recently transferred to a new high school. As she walked into her new homeroom class for the first time, everyone seemed to be seated according to their cliques: the jocks and preps on one side, the skaters on the other, and a few “Emo” kids in the back. She took the only open seat at the front and slipped self-consciously into her chair. She soon discovered every other class, the lunch room, and the bus were similarly divided. The pressure to adopt an identity was mounting.
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Vince and his supervisor, Matt, seemed to have a relationship built upon mutual respect. But since their simultaneous promotions, their relationship seemed strained. Vince even felt, on occasion, that Matt was purposefully targeting him for ridicule through memos and policy-changes. His recent performance evaluation, too, seemed extremely critical. Maybe the employees’ preference for Vince as their supervisor had leaked out of the department. Or maybe Matt didn’t like the policy changes Vince had made. Whatever the reason, Vince knew if he wanted to keep his job, he’d better focus on making Matt happy.
I initially wanted to write this column to give advice for parents helping their children deal with bullying and cliques. Initially, I planned on throwing out typical suggestions, but then I realized that most of the advice I was taught to offer parents and children sounded basic, like something you’d hear in an after-school special or read in a Department of Education pamphlet. You know the type:
If you’re being bullied:
1) Talk to an adult about what happened so you don’t feel alone.
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Stick with a group of friends so you don’t get singled out.
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Defend yourself if you are in danger, but don’t use physical force unless you have to.
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Ignore the bully and walk away.
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Tell your parents and teachers so they can take action.
If you’re having trouble fitting in:
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Talk to an adult you trust.
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Don’t allow yourself to feel isolated just because one group doesn’t accept you.
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Make a list of everyone in your life that supports you.
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Make sure you’re not trying to change who you are just to fit in; love the person God made you to be.